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So while thinking about the NBA expansion into Charlotte, I found myself contemplating NBA contraction, since I firmly believe there are too many NBA teams. The talent pool is too diluted, and while an influx of Euros may counteract this, that influx would be even cooler if there were fewer teams.

So who would I cut? Well, I’ve never been happy about the Canadian teams, but then the Grizz moved to Memphis and got Jerry West and you can’t cut a team out from under Jerry. Toronto can go any day, though.

I think we also have about one too many teams in Florida. They should do a special playoff at the end of this season; winner gets to stay around and take over the contracts of any players they want from the losers. Ideally, this would take place inside a cage.

Washington wants a baseball team. The Wizards should convert over en masse, satisfying Jordan’s dreams and getting rid of a bad basketball team and providing DC with the baseball it yearns for. I bet people would pay to see Kwame Brown pitch. I sure would.

Denver just needs to go away. There’s nothing funny you can say about Denver. Same goes for Golden State. I lived in San Francisco for a bunch of years and you know what? Nobody’s going to get behind ‘em ever because a) they suck and b) they have a sad sorry name. You should never be named after anything but a city. The New England Patriots would be doing OK this year if they’d just get over themselves and become the Boston Patriots. The Revolution would have won the MLS Cup if they did the same thing.

There are a whole bunch of Midwestern teams which limp a lot and never do much. There’s also Indiana and Detroit which have history and class and style, so they’re safe. Milwaukee and Cleveland, though? Gotta go. The Bulls should go too but I’m told Chicago is a major media market or something. Fine, whatever.

OK, let’s see. We’ve gotten rid of seven teams, which puts us at 23. Still too many. OK, I hate to do this, but you know that when Stockton and Malone retire Utah is just gonna be sad forever, living on dreams of past glory, never again to make the playoffs. The ultimate tribute to Stockton and Malone would be to retire the entire team when they’re done. “Guys, you were amazing, and we will never do better than you so we will not even try.” Also, they should get a special NBA Title Award, entitled the “We’re Sorry About Michael Award.”

I further believe that either the Lakers or the Clippers need to go, or they need to rename the Pacific Division to NBA West and make it a totally separate league. Which, come to think of it, would solve a few problems. Anyhow, I say that if the Lakers finish ahead of the Clippers this year then the Lakers should be disbanded and the Clips should get their players, out of mercy. If the Clippers finish ahead of the Lakers, then the Lakers should be disbanded, out of shame. And if the Clippers allow any more good free agents to just walk out the door, that’s a termination offense.

What? I’m a Boston Celtics fan. You expected me to keep the Lakers around?

2 Comments

  1. kit kit

    You know, I don’t follow sports at all, and yet I really enjoy your sports postings. Obviously you’re incredibly cool. Not that this is a shock, but still.

  2. I like to think that a good writer can make anything interesting. Next week: a series on the humorous side of HTTP troubleshooting. Ho ho! Good times.

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