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Not the movie

So here’s the campaign. This is Mike’s fault.

It’s a little known fact, but once you’ve been President of the United States, you don’t get to die. You live on in eternal unlife after your death; sure, you leave a corpse, because everyone likes funerals, but your Ka goes on.

Yes, Ka. Just like in Egypt. Look at the dollar bill; you think the pyramid isn’t there for a reason?

You are bound to the country. You can speak to the current President, but each sentence you speak takes a year of his life. That’s the real reason why Presidents age in office. Once a President leaves office you lose your connection to them, but you’ll be there to welcome them to the afterlife, oh yes. It’s the only excuse you have for a party.

You are as you were when you died. Everyone takes turns caring for Reagan. It’s nervewracking; if he wanders off and finds his way to the White House, he could age any sitting President to death in one night of conversation.

Hoover and Nixon could hear the Dead Presidents, but did not join them in the afterlife. Ford never could hear them. Nobody tried talking to David Rice Atchison; everyone was very surprised when he arrived to join the rest of his comrades.

The ghosts of every Treasurer of the United States who ever lived serve the Dead Presidents in the afterlife.


  1. t. rev t. rev

    I used to do a rant on the premise that George Washington’s soul was imprisoned in a magic scroll and the only way to break the spell was fire. Then I would set fire to a pile of dollar bills.

  2. t. rev t. rev

    Then I say ‘…and now it’s time to free…’ and I reach into my wallet and pull out another bill and hold it aloft, ‘…ANDREW JACKSON!’

    This often evokes horrified shrieks from the audience.


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